Today wilder climbed the crepe myrtle in the front yard with such gusto it was hard not to notice. He informed me (more than once) he was able to climb in such a way because his new shoes made him “so brave.”
They are the shoes for his first year of real school. It’s prek3. But dude it’s a real school with uniforms and a tardy bell.
Every time I think of it I hear that song from Disney’s Aladdin “A Whole New World!” Which is a weird thing I know.
Wilder started MDO at around three months old. Two days a week. I work from home. We juggle. We scream and cry and we live on deadlines and miss important things and treasure small things and it all seems to work. It’s a special kind of living. The mommy and the work and the balance of it all. I am not alone in this endeavor. I never feel like the working moms or the stay at home moms. We are a strange breed.
And so as Wilder heads to big boy school I feel like I do about most things in life – a little bit of both.
The first time I dropped him off at MDO I had already toured it and felt it was where he should be and so on his first day I pulled up to the drop off line and they pulled him out of the car and I drove off singing “free at last” with Lady Gaga blaring on the radio. I knew he was ready. Oh, I was ready too. No tears. I may have done the cabbage patch.
This Monday looms ahead and I feel like he’s ready. Oh, I am too. I think …
It’s a new chapter. A whole new world. The Wilder Life is no joke. It’s all day errrryday. And it’s a gloriously messy hard beautiful life. It’s Wilder sitting in my lap while I write stories. It’s cooking lunch he won’t eat every day. It’s bribing him with my iPhone in dressing rooms. And him holding up dresses for photoshoots with serious scrutiny “sooooo cute, mommy.” It’s snuggling on the couch in the morning and trying to finish 20 hours of work in those six golden precious hours of MDO.
Life feels like a domino game Rubik’s cube Jenga tower most days lining it all up. Monday feels like a relief. A fresh start.
It feels like a beginning. And it feels like an end.
His excitement and my excitement for this new adventure are so woven together I don’t see who feels what. Until today. When his backpack and shoes arrived in the mail (I have an amazon prime problem and am not open to intervention.)
There was this moment I wondered would come where I felt the tug. That “please stop time just for me just for this one moment” moment. The snapshots you take with your heart. He squealed with delight at his new backpack and shoes and I felt a little tear forming.
I think I cry more than most. At the last MDO Mother’s Day I nearly broke down at the first strains of ‘You are my sunshine …’ I could’ve easily weeped openly had I not noticed everyone else appeared emotionally stable. My sister text me about my niece’s kindergarten open house this week saying little always brave Emery was holding her hand with both of hers as they walked the hall. I nearly lost it. I still may.
I thought today of what it would be like to start something so very new. To go into a room of 20 people with a person in charge you’ve never met. It’s kind of terrifying really. And our kids do it over and over. Wilder is thrilled. He has his new shoes, after all. And those make him brave.
The older I get the more I see how brave these little ones are. How fearless Wilder is to try and fail. How freely they show love without fear. How intensely they dive into the world. How brave they are with their hearts. How beautiful their faith can be. Absolute and true.
There are more lessons than I can list garnered from three years as a mother. I’m still so new at it. Yet, some days Wilder seems so very old.
As Wilder heads to his first day of prek3 I don’t know how I’ll drive away. Singing or crying. Probably both. Maybe I need a pair of shoes like his.
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