I keep wondering when what I expect to feel will actually be what I feel in this motherhood thing. The first day I dropped Wilder off for Mother’s Day Out I expected to be all teary-eyed and weepy face and emotional new mommy. Instead it felt like the day I drove to college (with my parents behind me in their mini-van. But, still I was alone(ish) … with my little sister in the front seat of my Taurus) listening to Dixie Chicks and ready for Wide Open Spaces. I felt a moment of true freedom. It was just that way the first time I would go home and be ALL alone after Wilder was born. Ahhhhhhhh! I was pleasant as they come when I returned to get him that day and never had a teary moment.
And so after whining and complaining and moaning about how ready I was to finish this year long nursing marathon (because, let’s get real it is a freaking marathon that no one trains you for properly), I’m shocked to feel all sentimental tonight. It looks like tonight’s night night may be the last of nursing for Wilder. I had what can only be tastefully described as The Evil Black Death Plague Vicious Mother of All Viruses that struck me in the wee hours of Saturday morning. I finally had my fantasy day of laying in bed with the DVR remote and no one the wiser that I existed … it wasn’t quite what I had pictured though and I have vowed to never complain of being tired again (don’t hold me to that, Daddy Bedgood … or I will bring up the whole I carried and delivered this baby thing again).
The milk could return. But, it’s looking quite bleak and with Wilder at 11 months and having already begun the weaning process I feel like it’s time. I’m glad to have made it thus far in the breast feeding thing. Some of my friends seem to think “good grief, you’re still nursing that kid? he’s like the size of a two year old … AND he has teeth!” and the other extreme are all “well maybe you should drink some Mother’s Milk Tea and power through and let him self wean.” I’m somewhere in the middle of the two. And so, tonight as I see the CLOSED sign on the Bedgood-Borden Milk Factory (I can’t lie the idea of never using that blasted pump again brings me JOY! PURE JOY!!!!) I am a bit weepy face. I also feel a bit more free. That’s the thing about motherhood, thus far. It’s a two-sided coin. For everything that happens in Mommyworld my Logical Mind knows one thing to be true and my Mommy Heart seems to feel its own truth. Tonight I know we’re both totally fine and totally ready and I feel totally sentimental because I know in my mind and in my heart it’s totally true.